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For now, let’s examine ‘The Spanish Gardener’ as an exercise in how to make a nothing film:Įmploy a journeyman director.

There are only two things worth mentioning, and I’ll leave those till last just so I can close on a remotely positive note. To put it mildly, ‘The Spanish Gardener’ is a nothing film. It’s been tempting to use other titles – to play on words or quote an apposite bit of dialogue (tomorrow’s review of ‘Victim’ could easily go under the banner “Because I wanted him!” when I get to ‘The Servant’, the immortal line “I’m a gentleman’s gentleman – and you’re no bloody gentleman” cries out to be used) – but in the case of ‘The Spanish Gardener’ there’s simply nothing else to call this article. You might have noticed that I title entries after the film I’m discussing.